Battle Your Demons

Alright, this is going to be a really rough post. I’m going to admit some things that I don’t want to admit. I’m going to put them in writing & really look at how ugly it all is.

And I should pray for Adelaide
But she wouldn’t win this fight
Black and blue dear Adelaide
So many scars to hide

I heard this song again the other day & it’s partially what is pushing me to do this. It’s also the concern my new supervisor showed me. She suggested I get some therapy through our EAP. I never really thought about it, because I can’t think on that too long or I’ll have to see all that ugliness… So now here I am, with these demons inside & a chance to name them instead of letting them control me.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.” -August Wilson​

Then I stumbled upon this quote again & I really felt it. I asked a friend to pray for me because I’m actually not okay. I wear the best mask I can to appear fine. I don’t want anyone to look to closely. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, because I know it’s false. Plastic. Painful.

I started this blog to talk about finances but I think things are more connected than you realize. Or at least than I realized. My emotional, mental, physical health are all in play when it comes to money.

So here’s the demons I have to battle. Better to face them than to cower. I have trouble with drinking too much sometimes. When I do drink too much I hate myself with such intensity I scratch, cut, hit, kick, twist. It’s like watching someone else when it happens. So I have so many scars to hide. I have to wear long sleeves & never wear shorts or else you’ll see my cracks.

I impulse buy things I don’t need because it makes me happy for a moment & I can ignore that bad feelings for just a second. The lazy paralysis that hits me out of nowhere & drags me down to overeat & just keep watching “one more episode” for eight hours. I want to go ride my bike but I just stay stagnant… still… a statue of wasted potential.

I’m also incredibly selfish. I want an energy drink, so I buy one for me. Then I remember I have a wife who does like them too & I feel like such a horrible person. I get hungry so I go get a snack, not asking or checking in with my wife if she wants anything. So rude! I love her so much so why do I just do without thinking? I am impulsive as hell but unable to make a decision if asked. If I wait someone will make it for me. I’m judgmental & nosey & overweight & self centered & too damn much for most people.

“Listen to the people who love you. Believe that they are worth living for even when you don’t believe it. Seek out the memories depression takes away and project them into the future. Be brave; be strong; take your pills. Exercise because it’s good for you even if every step weighs a thousand pounds. Eat when food itself disgusts you. Reason with yourself when you have lost your reason.” -Andrew Solomon, The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression

Admitting things can be the first step, but don’t stop there. Don’t forget to keep going, keep trying, keep battling the demons. Scars are proof you can heal, no matter how ugly.

“Where you’ve nothing else construct ceremonies out of the air and breathe upon them.” –Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Remember to breathe. Take a deep breath & know that the truth is the truth. I have named these demons. I will overcome them. When I find myself stressed out I tend to lean into quotes & words. I have forgotten how to make my own thoughts & feelings. I will learn to make them again. I will learn to be good again.